♪ Good times
♪ Any time You meet a payment ♪
♪ Good times
♪ Any time You need a friend ♪
♪ Good times
♪ Any time You're out from under ♪
♪ Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled ♪
♪ Keepin' your head Above water ♪
♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪
♪ Temporary layoffs
♪ Good times
♪ Easy-credit Rip offs ♪
♪ Good times
♪ Scratchin' And survivin' ♪
♪ Good times
♪ Hangin' In a chow line ♪
♪ Good times
♪ Ain't we lucky We got 'em ♪
♪ Good times
♪ Deck the halls With boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ Keith looks better Than Muhammad Ali ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ To me, he looks like A mangy collie ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la ♪
♪ Instead of turkey Eat tamale ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
Sing it, Mama.
Ma, this is gonna be the best Christmas Eve party ever.
It's gonna be my very first Christmas with Keith.
Amen to that. Hah-hah.
On Donner, on Blitzen,
on Dancer, on Prancer.
The Ebony Prince is here,
the mistletoe answer.
J.J., I saw some of the girls you kissed
under the mistletoe last year.
You'll get better action
if you hold a can of ALPO over your head.
You got some nerve, you old reindeer face.
Look who's talkin'.
The only Santa who looks like the North Pole.
You got some nerve, you ski head...
Shut up. Ma.
All right, kids. It's Christmastime.
Shut up. [MUTTERS] Get out of here.
Even the worst enemies call a truce.
What's a truce?
Well, that's a brief moment of peace
when everybody stands around reloading.
J.J., how come you home so early from the department store?
Well, Ma, the boss said something to me
that made me stomp off and rip off my beard.
What did he say?
"You fired."
Again?
J.J., what did you do?
It's what I didn't do, Ma.
I got fired for lack of lap.
The kids kept fallin' out of it.
That's too bad.
Well, it wasn't all that bad, Ma.
For a little while, I had sittin' on my lap
none other than "Boom Boom" Belinda.
And she told you what she wanted for Christmas, right?
No. I told her what I wanted
for Christmas.
All right, J.J.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
FLORIDA: Willona, come on in.
Girl, wait till you see
the dress I bought for the party.
Oh? It is too cold-blooded.
[LAUGHS]
It's strapless, and it has a split...
way up to here.
I call it my welfare dress.
Welfare dress? Mm-hmm.
No visible means of support.
Oh. [BOTH LAUGH]
Willona, I bought a new dress, too.
I just hope Keith likes it.
Oh, I'm sure he's gonna like it, honey.
Damn.
Oh, Keith, 'tis the season to be jolly.
How would you feel if your boss made you work on Christmas Eve?
Oh, you won't be able to come to the party?
No. Well, look, Keith.
If you can't come to the party on Christmas Eve,
we'll just save it and have our party Christmas Day.
Look, I asked Clements about gettin' off Christmas,
but old halibut face just walked away from me.
You know, Christmas is our busiest season.
Oh, boy.
Doesn't that Scrooge ever think of anything besides business?
Well, you all decide.
Clements' sister had to be rushed to the hospital
to deliver her baby, right?
So Clements drove her there himself.
Oh, that was nice.
He charged her full fare.
Kept the meter running all during labor.
Oh, that's cold.
I bet he tells little kids that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
is an alcoholic.
J.J., Clements doesn't have any kids.
He doesn't even have a wife. He's single.
Then what makes him so mean?
Maybe he's lonely.
I wouldn't doubt it. No one down there can stand him.
He once had a homing pigeon, and that left home.
[WHISTLES]
Well, there's no need in depressing everyone
with my problems.
Hey, Penny, you know, I saw
the cutest little toy the other day.
A little flying saucer came down.
This little man came out and went:
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Hi, I'm Merkyl
"from the planet Herkyl.
[WHIRRING]
"We have been monitoring your broadcasts.
"Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
"We observed weird creatures acting strange. Hmm.
Take us to your leader... Chuck Barris."
[AS PAUL LYNDE] Well, you can't win 'em all.
I got to get shaved and get back to work.
Santa Claus, what did you get me this year?
I'm getting you a ghetto ant farm.
A ghetto ant farm?
Yep. Even the worker ants are unemployed.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hi, Penny. Hi.
Hi, guys. Don't mind me.
Don't worry, honey. We won't.
Bookman, what are you doing?
Mrs. Evans, I was just checking your Christmas tree lights.
I know you're having a big party.
I wouldn't want lights to go out while you're having fun.
Bookman, there is no need to monkey with the lights.
They're doing just fine.
Well, okay. If you want me, just call on me.
Since Violet's gonna be away, I'll guess I'll...
I'll be home.
I mean, If I get lonely,
I could always go down to the pet shop
and talk to the parrot in the window.
Good idea, honey.
Or maybe I'll stay in.
Look at my shoes in the closet.
Maybe I'll even up the laces.
Great.
Or maybe I'll just put some new holes in my tool belt.
Okay, Bookman, you can come to our party.
Thank you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
FLORIDA: Oh, boy.
Well, back to the salt mines.
Honey, I'm not the only one. Lots of people work Christmas.
Cops, nurses, waitresses, doctors.
I'll be thinkin' of you the whole time. Hmm?
Keith, I got an idea.
Since you can't come to our Christmas party,
why don't we take the party down to the garage?
I'm sure the drivers'll love it.
Yeah, I'm sure they would,
but I don't think the boss would go for it.
He doesn't know how to have a good time.
Maybe no one's ever told him how to have a good time.
Willona, what do you mean?
Flo, we are going down to the taxi barn
and spread some Christmas cheer.
You leave the boss to Willona, okay?
And how do you expect to do that?
I'm gonna say, "Mr. Clements,
"we are going to have a party here tonight,
and that is all there is to that, honey."
Willona, how are you going to convince him?
Not me. [CHUCKLES]
My dress is gonna do all the talkin'.
[CHATTERING]
[PIANO PLAYING JAZZ] [CHATTERING]
All right, all right. Quiet, you guys.
All right, let's quiet down. Come on.
Somebody fix that rug over there.
Take a seat.
All right, quiet.
Look, out of the kindness of my heart,
I'm allowin' the Evans family
to throw a little Yule party here for y'all.
[CABBIES CHEER]
All right. Before we get started...
I'd like to lay a few ground rules.
[CABBIES GROAN]
When you hear your cab number,
I want you to get your butt out there on that road immediately.
[CABBIES LAUGH]
All right?
And anybody I catch not enjoying the party,
they're gonna have to answer to me later on
out behind the barn. All right?
What happened to Cigar-butt Clements?
Givin' us a party?
I bet you that good-lookin' girl Willona
sweet-talked him into it. Mm-hmm.
I heard that.
No sweet-talkin' dame who sweet-talk me.
Oh, now come on and give us a smile, pookie face.
Come on. Pookie face?
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]
One crack out of you,
and you gonna hear another crack.
It'll be your skull. You understand?
Sit down over there. [BAND PLAYS UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
[CABBIES CHEER]
It's all right. That's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Welcome to the Windy City Cab Company.
Y'all know where y'all at, 'cause y'all here. Anyway...
[LAUGHS]
Whoo, boy. How y'all like this tuxedo?
[CABBIES WHOOPING]
It's all right. Yeah.
I made this. That's right.
I walk in the store, man turn his back,
I just "made away" with it.
[CABBIES LAUGH]
Whoo-hoo. But I love being around cabs and cabettes
and hackettes and everybody like we got in here,
because, see, my first date was in a cab.
That's right. Heh-heh.
Me and my lady went out, you know,
and I told the cab driver, "Drive real slow
while we get cozy in the back."
The meter was clickin', but I wasn't.
So the cabbie turn around and say,
"What's goin' on back there?" I say, "Nothin'."
He say, "Well, then you drive and I'll get in the back."
[CABBIES LAUGH]
All right, then.
And y'all got to watch out and take it easy.
Especially when y'all takin' that money,
y'all got to take it easy.
There's a lot of counterfeiters goin' on around here.
That's right.
I noticed a brother counterfeiting
hundred-dollar bills the other day.
Would've had it made.
Had a picture of Franklin on it and everything.
Only thing, it was Aretha Franklin.
[CABBIES LAUGH]
Naw, it's somethin' else.
I don't know if y'all know this.
I was in school the other day reminiscing.
And did y'all ever notice this?
They never showed you a picture of a black caveman.
That's right. But they just recently found out
that there were black cavemen,
'cause they just dug up a 3,000,000-year-old Cadillac.
[CABBIES LAUGH]
[CABBIES APPLAUD]
Two payments still due.
[ALL LAUGH]
But seriously, folks, are y'all ready for more comedy?
[APPROVING SHOUTS]
What more comedy? When did it start?
[CABBIES GROAN]
As soon as you put on that bow tie.
[CABBIES LAUGH AND APPLAUD]
Heh-heh-heh. Ladies and gentleman...
now I'd like to introduce you to a young man
that I've had the pleasure of spending
the last 17 years with
listenin' to him sing in the shower.
And I tell you, That's a long time
to wait to get into the bathroom.
[LAUGHS]
Let's hear it for my brother, your friend and our pal,
Mr. Michael Evans.
[CABBIES APPLAUD] [BAND PLAYS POP MUSIC]
♪ Girl, I think it's time
♪ We turned the lights down
[CABBIES CLAPPING ALONG]
♪ We've had all the small talk
♪ That we can use ♪ Now we best be gettin'
♪ Down to business ♪ You can start by
♪ Kickin' off your shoes
♪ Let me rock you To your socks ♪
♪ From your bottoms To your tops ♪
♪ Till my loving Snaps and pops ♪
♪ Let me rock you ♪ Rock you to your socks
♪ I know some guys
♪ Are all talk and no action
♪ Well, let me show you
♪ I'm not one of those
♪ I always put my lovin'
♪ Where my mouth is
♪ And you're gonna feel it
♪ Right down to your toes
♪ Let me rock you To your socks ♪
♪ From your bottoms To your tops ♪
♪ Till my loving Snaps and pops ♪
♪ Let me rock you ♪ Rock you to your socks
♪ Mmm ♪ And I don't think a love
♪ Could be made much better
♪ Baby, I know what's going
♪ Through your mind
♪ But just one night of love
♪ Is not all I'm after
♪ I want you here beside me ♪ All the time
♪ Let me rock you To your socks ♪
♪ From your bottoms To your tops ♪
♪ Till my loving Snaps and pops ♪
♪ Let me rock you ♪ Rock you to your socks
♪ Rock you to your socks
♪ I'm gonna pull out All the stops ♪
♪ Girl, it's time To shoot your shot ♪
♪ Let me rock you ♪ Rock you to your socks
♪ Rock, rock you ♪ Rock you to your socks
♪ Rock you ♪ Rock you to your socks
[CABBIES CHEER AND APPLAUD]
Oh, my goodness.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Aw, boy. Rocked me all the way to my socks.
Goodness gracious.
Too much for me.
Boy, that man carries a whole bundle of talent.
Unfortunately, he didn't bring any with him tonight.
[ALL LAUGH]
The next young man I'd like to introduce
happens to be our building superintendent-supervisor.
A man that's very heavy when it comes to weight.
[CHUCKLES]
That's right. A man that When he gets into the ocean,
the water rises.
Let's welcome the fabulous, the one and only
Mr. Nat Bookman. Yeah.
[CABBIES APPLAUD] [BAND PLAYS FUNK MUSIC]
[CABBIES CLAPPING ALONG]
[CABBIES CHEERING]
[CABBIES CHEER AND APPLAUD]
Nat Bookman. Nat Bookman.
Nat Bookman.
Whoo-hoo. Nat Bookman is somethin' else.
He's bad.
Yeah. Bookman, boy.
Whoo. He never knew he was gettin' fat,
until he couldn't get into things like he once could.
like his house.
But you know... [LAUGHING]
The next young man I'd like to introduce for y'all,
fabulous himself.
Y'all know who he is.
Fine athlete, a wonderful entertainer,
a fine human being.
Somebody well known in the business.
Matter of fact, ladies and gentleman,
a man who needs no introduction.
[CABBIES APPLAUD]
A little Robert Goulet.
[BAND PLAYS POP MUSIC]
[AS ROBERT GOULET] ♪ On a clear day
♪ Rise and look around you
♪ And you'll see who
♪ Ah, who you really are ♪ On a clear day
♪ How it will astound you
♪ As the glow of your being
♪ Outshines every star
[AS JERRY LEWIS] Hello, everybody. This is Jerry Lewis.
I want to call on some really good singers right now.
Fabulous guy, the immortal Johnny Mathis.
[AS JOHNNY MATHIS] ♪ Look at me
♪ I'm as helpless As a kitten ♪
♪ Up a tree
♪ And I feel like I'm clinging ♪
♪ To a cloud ♪ I can't understand
♪ I get misty ♪ Just holding your hand
Tony Bennett.
[AS TONY BENNETT] ♪ Walk my way
♪ And a thousand violins ♪ Begin to play
♪ Or it may be ♪ The sound of your hello
[AS JERRY LEWIS] ♪ The music I hear
♪ I get misty the moment
[OFF-KEY] ♪ You're near
[PIANIST PLAYS CORRECT NOTE] He's right.
[AS BILL COSBY] ♪ You can say
♪ That you're leading me on Hey, hey.
♪ But it's just What I want you to do ♪
Go ahead. Take it away, Tony.
[AS TONY BENNETT] ♪ Don't you notice
♪ How hopelessly I'm lost?
♪ That's why ♪ I'm following you
[AS JOHNNY MATHIS] ♪ On my own
[NORMAL VOICE] ♪ Should I wander through
♪ This wonderland alone
♪ Never knowing My right foot ♪
♪ From my left ♪ My hat from my glove
♪ I'm too misty ♪ And too much in love
WOMAN: Now do it in your own voice.
[AS PUNCH-DRUNK FIGHTER] ♪ I'm too misty
♪ And too much [NORMAL VOICE] ♪ In love
[CABBIES CHEER AND APPLAUD]
Whoo. Now for our next group...
Some fine people, some wonderful cats.
Y'all have heard of the Pointer Sisters.
I know y'all have.
The Pointer Sisters... Bonnie, Anita, June and Ruth.
Yes. [CABBIES APPLAUD]
Well, the mighty, mighty Pointer Sisters
out of Oakland, California.
Yes, the Pointer Sisters. We all know who they are.
Well, the Windy City Cab Company, tonight,
right here in Chicago,
is proud to announce that the Pointer Sisters
will not be here.
[LAUGHS]
But in their stead,
we have our ghetto answer to the Pointer Sisters...
Florida, Willona, Thelma and Penny.
They call themselves
the mighty, mighty Pointless Sisters.
[CABBIES CHEER]
[PIANO PLAYS SOFT MUSIC]
When it's snowing and it's blowing,
it's that season of the year...
When you look to find some comfort
and a little Christmas cheer.
So we gather round the radiator
wrapped up in a sheet.
Hoping someone shows some pity...
ALL: ♪ And sends us all up Some heat ♪
Ooh! ♪ We got ♪ Sss-steam heat
♪ We got sss-steam heat
♪ But I need your love To keep away the cold ♪
♪ We got sss-steam heat
♪ But I can't get warm Without your hands to hold ♪
♪ The radiator's hissin'
♪ Still I need your kissin'
♪ To keep me from freezing Each night ♪
♪ I got a hot-water bottle But nothing I got ♪
♪ Will take the place of you Holding me tight ♪
♪ We got sss-steam heat
♪ But I need your love To keep away the cold ♪
♪ Shovel more coal In the boiler ♪
♪ But that Don't do no good ♪
♪ They told me to pour Some more oil in the burner ♪
♪ But that don't Do no good ♪
Coal in the boiler?
No good.
Oil in the burner?
No good.
Is it cold? No.
Hot? Yes.
♪ Yes, yes, yes Come on, burner ♪
♪ Get hot
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
♪ Shovel more coal
♪ In the boiler ♪ Boink, boink
♪ Shovel more coal In the boiler ♪
♪ Boink, boink ♪ Shovel more coal
♪ In the boiler
♪ If you want To do some good ♪
♪ Pour some more oil In the burner ♪
♪ Don't do no good
♪ You can shovel more coal And pour some more oil ♪
♪ But I need your love To make my blood boil ♪
♪ Get ready for a treat
♪ Steam heat [CHEERS]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And I must give thanks to the good Lord above
for giving us such a beautiful Christmas gift.
A loving family and warm friends.
May I ask all of my family to join us on the stage.
Come on. Come on, Booger.
Come on.
Come on, Mr. Bookman. KEITH: Bookman.
And now, if you will join us
in singing "Silent Night."
[PIANO PLAYS "SILENT NIGHT"]
♪ Silent night
♪ Holy night ♪ All is calm
♪ All is bright ♪ Round yon virgin
♪ Mother and child
♪ Holy infant ♪ So tender and mild
♪ Sleep ♪ In heavenly ♪ Peace ♪ Sleep
♪ In heavenly ♪ Peace
♪ Silent night ♪ Holy night ♪ All is calm
♪ All is bright Merry Christmas.
And a merry Christmas to you. ♪ Round yon virgin
♪ Mother and child
♪ Holy infant Merry Christmas, Mr. Bookman.
Oh, Penny, merry Christmas to you, love.